Spring 2025
Quite recently, I read a beautiful article about an American couple, Elton and Betty Denner, who have been married for 82 years. What an achievement! She is aged 100 and he, 101. When asked what had helped them to stay the course, their daughter said on their behalf “Their advice for a loving relationship is simple: patience, don’t win an argument, do things together, with each other and the Lord”
Their daughter went on to say “They credit their faith in Jesus as the strength in their marriage, guiding them each and every day.” (Article by Ashlyn Robinette. Published in People on January 14th, 2025.)
I thought this was such a beautiful story and it made me ponder about how much we ‘do things with the Lord’ in our own marriages. Could we be including Jesus more? Praying together more? Asking for His guidance each and every day as we seek to grow together and particularly when there’s an issue we’re struggling with? It’s a challenge, isn’t it.
I really enjoyed the Sunday series ‘A New Story’ and I was struck by Hannah Periton’s brilliant talk on ‘A New Rhythm of Life’ as part of the series. Even as she read out the passage, the verse about not putting new wine in old wineskins but instead putting new wine in new wineskins, resonated with me (Mark 2 vs 22).
Hannah explained that old wineskins are rigid and inflexible and that our lives can be like that if we’re not living in the grace and freedom that Jesus brings. But if we want to live a new way with ‘new wine’ we will need new wine skins of grace and freedom.
I wonder, are there areas of our marriage where we are rigid and inflexible, where we could show more grace to our partner?
In the same series, Rob in his helpful talk ‘A New Life that Grows’ encouraged us to open ourselves up to change and reminded us that change happens in God’s presence.
We are of course now well into the New Year. Perhaps you made New Year’s resolutions. At the beginning of this year, I set myself a challenge, that this year I want to live:
Mindfully
Healthily
Wisely
Assertively
Spiritually
It may seem wrong that I put Spiritually last, but it felt right and then I realised that it needs to go at the bottom of the list because it’s the foundation that underpins the rest.
Darryl and I are currently going through a small building project. I found it fascinating to see how much work, expertise and preciseness went into building the foundations. It’s obviously pivotal if we want the building to stand firm and stand the test of time. So it is with our marriages, that if we want them to excel, flourish, grow, stand firm and stand the test of time, surely, we need the guidance of Jesus each and every day as our foundation.
I know there may be some of us reading this whose spouses are not Christians, but of course, there is incredible power in one spouse praying for the other, even if they don’t yet know Jesus. There is also power as we grow and change ourselves because this automatically changes the relationship.
Another thing that Elton and Betty Denner espoused for a good marriage was patience. Patience is something that I don’t particularly excel in, ask my husband! By nature, I’m quite a fast person and I think this is what partly makes patience hard for me. I blame it on being an ex-nurse, if a patient is having a cardiac arrest, doing things slowly isn’t going to save their life! Life is at a much faster pace for all of us in this technological age, perhaps making patience a lost art. But in marriage patience is an asset and one I certainly need to grow in. The Apostle Paul reminds us in the famous passage in 1 Corinthians 13 v 4 that “Love is patient…”
Perhaps, if most of us are honest, it can be easy to be impatient with those annoying little habits our spouse may have. But patience is crucial in a marriage because it can help us to navigate life's challenges together. It allows us to be curious so that we can understand each other's perspectives and work through conflicts constructively (for more on this, please see my previous blog on differentiation on the Relationships page HERE). It also helps us to have a deeper connection by giving space for growth and time to adjust to growth, vital if we want to achieve a lasting and fulfilling marriage. I wonder if it also demonstrates love and commitment by allowing each other time and understanding when faced with challenges and difficulties. And of course, if we don’t have patience, we are likely to end up frustrated.
Aaron and April Jacob in their article ‘The Art of Being a More Patient Spouse’ go so far as to say “If you want a better marriage, you need to be more patient.”
Let’s look at some ways we can cultivate patience in our marriages:
1. Give your love time to grow
This is especially important if you are newly married. Practising patience allows you to move thoughtfully as you learn about each other.
2. Start practising patience with yourself first
For example, if you become impatient in traffic or in the supermarket queue, try consciously choosing patience, being mindful in the moment. Set small, realistic goals as you learn the art of patience and congratulate yourself when you succeed!
3. Listen skilfully
Part of learning to be patient is learning the art of listening. If we are impatient and eager for our turn to talk, we will find it impossible to truly tune in to what our spouse is saying.
4. Practice empathy
Being empathetic means, you can see your spouse’s perspective, even and especially if it is different to your own (this is differentiation again). Not only then can you see their point of view but you also acknowledge it as valid for them. This helps them to feel loved and understood and is incredibly powerful in growing a deeper emotional connection.
5. Carve out time together
In the fast-paced distractive world we live in, make time for each other. Try to put away screens and give your full attention to your spouse.
6. Give up your need to be right all the time
If you resonate with this, you may want to work on the art of compromise to build patience in your marriage. This doesn’t mean you neglect your needs or wishes but that together you find a way to meet in the middle. This results in a win, win, where you both feel valued.
7. Practice patience when your spouse has upset you
I’m sure we’ve all reacted immediately when upset, but patience helps us to step back so that we can respond more helpfully.
8. Set realistic expectations
This encourages patience. It’s easier to maintain love and patience when we recognise that our partner is a flawed human being just as we are.
9. Talk to each other and share the journey of growing in patience together. Remember that practicing patience will take patience!
(Adapted from Sylvia Smith’s article: 15 ways to have more patience in a relationship. Marriage.com Feb 28th 2024)
Dionne Eleanor Reid states that “Every relationship has an ebb & flow of dynamics, some that feel amazing, others that feel challenging and uncomfortable. In the ebb and flow of intimate relationships, patience acts as a beacon of light, guiding partners through moments of uncertainty and perhaps conflict toward the shores of understanding and acceptance.” (Quoted in above article)
So, if like me, you feel patience is something you need to grow in, let’s commit ourselves to do that so that our marriages flourish, and let’s make Jesus the foundation of our marriages, each and every day.
Until next time….
Ali Abrahams